Originally posted on Multiple Sclerosis News Today
Bouts of heightened anxiety come in forceful waves and hit me like a freight train. I live with a baseline level of anxiety, but at times, it worsens for no specific reason. All I know is that it’s one of the worst feelings.
Anxiety is a common phenomenon in people living with multiple sclerosis (MS) and can arise from the disease itself or from its associated challenges. It can be triggered by a multitude of reasons, such as a diagnosis, symptoms, or treatment choices; the healthcare system; or related unknowns and uncertainties. On the other hand, sometimes there seems to be no cause of that sort; it’s just part of having MS.
For the most part, my anxiety stems directly from my MS, rather than being caused by associated aspects of living with the disease. These episodes can’t be linked to particular stressful events or external pressures; they just happen, with no specific trigger or warning. But that’s not always the case; sometimes external factors do create anxiety. At any rate, an extreme episode can last for weeks or even months at a time.
Starting the day anxious
Each morning, I wake up with an anxiety attack that acts as my internal clock, which is not a great way to start the day. These attacks set a negative tone that’s difficult for me to negate. During these morning moments, it takes me a while to catch my breath and slow down my racing heart. I try to ground myself by recognizing that I’m safe in the comfort of my home while simultaneously focusing on my breathing.
After such a strenuous morning, the rest of the day can get better — but not necessarily. I often walk around with a heavy feeling in my chest and shoulders. I can lose interest in the things I enjoy, such as cooking, trips to thrift stores or coffee shops, doing my makeup, or getting dressed up. I find myself just going through the motions to get by until the day ends.
I also experience skyrocketing panic and an inability to sit still. I always feel that every chore and errand need to happen immediately. When I realize that it’s impossible for me to do everything at once, I feel my panic levels rise, making me frantic.
The other day, I returned from picking up food and cat litter at the grocery store. Upon walking in, I somehow misplaced the car keys and started frantically going through all the bags, feeling my heart race and my body temperature rise. A small voice in the back of my head told me that the keys had to be in the apartment because I’d unlocked the door, but I wasn’t listening to that voice.
During these moments, my partner reminds me to take a moment, breathe, and reassess the situation. But my anxiety, with the hardwiring in my MS brain, makes it increasingly difficult to calm myself down and think through the circumstances.
In addition to the anxiety springing directly from my MS, I’m often overwhelmed by the idea of the disease, and the fear and uncertainty that come with that. I constantly worry about what the future holds or how I’ll feel in the next hour, even as the moments are ever-changing. One moment, for instance, I could feel on top of the world, and the next, I could be hit with fatigue or an excruciating migraine.
At this point, I haven’t discovered any type of coping mechanism that’s a sure route to relief. Usually, I just let it ride itself out, but I know that isn’t always a healthy avenue.
Do you experience MS-related anxiety? If so, how do you navigate it? Let me know in the comments below.
